‘I thought I was going to have to make the decision Trotty has made’, reveals Stephen Harmison

Image courtesy of: The Mirror

“I was not in a very good place whenever I toured, but there were probably two occasions when I thought I was going to have to make the decision Trotty has made”

Former England pace bowler Stephen Harmison has announced that he can relate to what batsman Jonathan Trott is going through as he revealed that “I thought I was going to have to make the decision Trotty has made” on two separate occasions in his international career.

Trott recently pulled out of the ongoing Ashes series and returned home due to a stress-related illness.

Speaking about his fight against depression, Harmison told the Brisbane Times: “I suffered from depression from an early age, long before my international cricket career began.

“I was not in a very good place whenever I toured, but there were probably two occasions when I thought I was going to have to make the decision Trotty has made.

“But I did not want to be the first one, I just did not believe I could say anything about how I was feeling. Somehow I managed to struggle through.

“I said I was homesick and that was actually used as a stick to beat me with. It was not just homesickness, although that did not help. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and it is something I battled with for years.

“It tended to be inflamed when I was away from home because I did miss people, I was lonely and I did not have my support network around me.”

Harmison also admitted that he was proud of his former team-mate, Marcus Trescothick, for becoming one of the first cricketers to go public with his depression issues.

“When Marcus Trescothick went public with his depression, I was glad somebody had made that step,” Harmison said. “I wish I had said more but I was scared of the reaction. It is a tough, tough place to be.”

Recalling some of the worst days he had, Harmison stated that he didn’t feel like eating or drinking anything and added that the nights seemed to become longer and longer.

“You do not want to eat, you do not want to drink and you rarely sleep,” he said. “The nights become longer and longer because you are awake for most of them.

“I can remember sleepless nights in hotel rooms where I would be in tears and then going out to play the next day.

“I think the big difference with me and Jonathan is that my refuge was on the field. When I was playing, I was happy. I liked training, I loved the matches, but I hated days off, any time I was on my own for a long period.

“I used to surround myself with people. I took a dartboard with me so that people would come to my room after training or a day’s play.”

However, Harmison believes Trott made the right decision to return home instead of trying to carry on and act as if nothing was wrong.

“But Jonathan had the ball hurtling at him at over 150 kilometres per hour and when you are going through this, the body does not move,” Harmison said. “You freeze, the stomach is churning, you become blind and the brain is muddled.

“His mind is scrambled and that is what this illness does to you.

“I am out of the game of cricket now but this thing carries on. I am on top of it but it has been hard and it still needs managing.

“He (Trott) will be at home surrounded by people who care for him, his family, friends and his club. He will feel good about himself in two or three days but that is not the end.

“He has identified there is a problem, now he has to get himself mentally and physically right. He has to forget cricket, he has to look after and repair the human being.

“And if he never plays international cricket again and is happy, that is a better outcome than playing and suffering.”

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